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Outline
of Insight:
On Self-Awareness self-awareness is, at its core, the
ability to see ourselves
clearly—to understand who we are, how others see us, and
how we fit into the
world. (3) self-awareness is the meta-skill of the
twenty-first
century. the qualities most critical for success
in today’s
world—things like emotional intelligence, empathy,
influence, persuasion,
communication, and collaboration—all stem from
self-awareness. (5) self-delusion is the antithesis of
self-awareness, and our
delusion often masquerades as insight. (5) growing gap between how we see
ourselves and what we really
are. (6) Whether it’s at work, at home, at
school, or at play, we’re
quick to accuse others of being unaware, but we rarely (if
ever) ask ourselves
whether we have the same problem. Case in point: in a
survey that I conducted
among potential readers of this very book, a full 95
percent reported that they
were either somewhat or very self-aware! (7) The truth is that while most of us
think we know ourselves
pretty well, this confidence is often unfounded.
Researchers have established
that our self-assessments “are often flawed in substantive
and systematic
ways.” (7) But being overconfident about our
abilities isn’t the only
way that low self-awareness can play out. Sometimes we
lack clarity about our
values and goals, causing us to perpetually make choices
that aren’t in our
best interests. Other times, we fail to grasp the impact
we’re having on the
people around us, alienating our colleagues, friends, and
families without even
knowing it. (7) Internal self-awareness has to do with
seeing yourself
clearly. It’s an inward understanding of your values,
passions, aspirations,
ideal environment, patterns, reactions, and impact on
others. (8) External self-awareness is about
understanding yourself from
the outside in—that is, knowing how other people see you.
(8) self-awareness is a surprisingly
developable skill — [but it
must be developed; it does not happen automatically] According to behavioral economist and
Nobel Prize laureate
Daniel Kahneman, human beings possess an “almost unlimited
ability to ignore
our ignorance.” Research suggests that we tend to think
we’re smarter, funnier,
thinner, better-looking, more socially skilled, more
gifted at sports, superior
students, and better drivers than we objectively are. Scientists have
dubbed this the “Better Than
Average Effect.” (46) In one study of more than 13,000
professionals, researchers
found almost no relationship between self-assessed
performance and objective
performance ratings. In a second investigation, more than
33 percent of
engineers rated their performance in the top 5 percent
relative to their
peers—and only one brave soul out of a thousand labeled
himself as below
average. (46) In one famous study, a full 94 percent
of college professors
thought they were above average at their jobs. (46) One study surveyed more than a million
high school seniors
and revealed that a full 25 percent placed themselves in
the top 1 percent in
their ability to get along with others. How many thought
they were below
average? Two percent. (48) the least competent people tend to be
the most confident in
their abilities, (49) This phenomenon came to be known as the
Dunning-Kruger
Effect, and it’s been replicated with dozens of other
skills like driving,
academic performance, and job performance. (49) when people are steeped in
self-delusion, they are usually
the last to find out. (50) Delusion can increase with seniority
and rank. Three Kinds of Blindness Knowledge
Blindness In a series of studies, they discovered
that the opinions we
have about our abilities in specific situations are based
less on how we
perform and more on the general beliefs we have about
ourselves and our
underlying skills. For example, participants who saw
themselves as good at
geography thought they’d performed particularly well on a
geography test, even
though as a group they’d scored no better than anyone
else. (53) Emotion
Blindness How happy are you with life? Finding a dime. Do we know how we feel? How are our feelings affecting our
judgments? Usually
more than we are aware or willing to
admit. Behavior
Blindness How did we do? Steps
to Rectify: 1.
Identify
our assumptions: Are
the problems we are
facing due to our own beliefs and actions? 2.
Get
into the habit of comparing our past predictions with
actual outcomes. 3.
Keep
learning: improves
effectiveness and
also raises awareness of prior ineffectiveness 4.
Seek
feedback on our abilities and behaviors As Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön points
out, “The most
fundamental…harm we can do to ourselves is to remain
ignorant by not having the
courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and
gently.” (62) BUT NOTE: Whether you know it or not, a powerful
cult is trying to
recruit you. Cults tend to show a misplaced or excessive
admiration for a
particular person or thing, and this cult has chosen an
irresistible
figurehead: you! Frankly, it’s easy to see why the promise
that the Cult of
Self makes can be too tempting to resist. It lulls us into
thinking that we are
unique, special, and superior. That our needs matter more
than everyone else’s.
That we’re not subject to the same rules as others. That
we’re deserving of
things simply because we want them. No wonder the Cult of
Self has successfully
recruited so many of our neighbors, friends, and
colleagues—perhaps it’s even
succeeded in luring you. Age
of Effort to Age
of Esteem Self-esteem movement The real social ill is that most people
felt too good about
themselves. And it got worse. Baumeister’s review showed
that people with high
self-esteem were more violent and aggressive. When their
romantic relationships
were in trouble, they were more likely to walk away, be
unfaithful, or engage
in other destructive behaviors. They were also more likely
to cheat, drink, and
do drugs. All of this was literally the opposite of what
the California Task
Force had been arguing. Though it’s been decades since
Baumeister and his
research team uncovered the sham that is self-esteem, we
can’t seem to shake
our obsession with getting more of it. Why? It’s far
easier to feel wonderful
and special than to become wonderful and special. The Cult of Self has gained with the
explosion of social
media. We all know someone who suffers from Selfie
Syndrome. Symptoms include a
once-unthinkable level of self-absorption, resulting in
delusions including
(but not limited to) the belief that people care what you
ate for breakfast,
that today is your child’s half-birthday, or that you are
having the best
vacation ever. In many respects, for many people, Selfie
Syndrome has crossed
the line into a kind of widespread, low-grade narcissism.
But what we don’t
always realize is that paradoxically, an intense
self-focus not only obscures
our vision of those around us; it distorts our ability to
see ourselves for what
we really are. Paradoxically, this incessant promotion
of our hoped-for
self can be ego-crushing, especially when the “actual” and
“hoped for” versions
don’t match up. When we’re trying so hard to convince
everyone how successful
or happy or attractive we are, not only are we often not
fooling anyone; we’re
reminding ourselves of how unsuccessful or unhappy or
unattractive we really
feel. As you go about your daily life, how
much time and energy do
you spend focused on you? It’s probably more than you
think. One study found
that we spend up to 60 percent of our talking time
discussing ourselves, and
when we’re on social media that number jumps to a whopping
80 percent. We also need to take a more realistic
view of our own
qualities, or in other words, cultivate humility. Because
it means appreciating
our weaknesses and keeping our
successes in perspective, humility is a key
ingredient of self-awareness. Yet the virtue of humility is often the
exception rather
than the rule in our Cult of Self society—both in the
world of business and
outside it. I see three reasons for the sad state of
affairs. First, people often confuse humility
with low self-worth, and
thus label it as undesirable, even though the opposite is
true—because it means
appreciating our weaknesses and keeping our successes in
perspective, humility
is actually a necessary ingredient for self-awareness. The second reason humility is in short
supply is that to
gain it, we must tame the powerful beast at the epicenter
of the Cult of Self:
our ego. Finally, humility requires accepting a
certain degree of
imperfection, and most goal-oriented, Type A people rarely
give themselves the
permission to do so. But does humility mean that we should
hate ourselves for our
inevitable faults? Or that we should constantly harp on
our weaknesses to avoid
getting a big head? Thankfully, the alternative to
boundless self-esteem
doesn’t have to be self-loathing but rather
self-acceptance—our third approach
to fighting the Cult of Self. Where self-esteem means
thinking you’re amazing
regardless of the objective reality, self-acceptance (also
called
self-compassion by some researchers) means understanding
our objective reality
and choosing to like ourselves anyway. So instead of
trying to be perfect—or
delusionally believing they are—self-accepting people
understand and forgive
themselves for their imperfections. The
Cult of Self:
The societal phenomenon that tempts us all to feel
special, unique, and
superior. From
the “Age of
Effort” to the “Age of Esteem”: A widespread shift
from focusing more on
feeling great than becoming great. The
Feel Good Effect:
The tendency to see ourselves with rose-colored glasses.
An intense self-focus
that prevents us from seeing ourselves clearly. Self-presentation:
Wanting to appear a certain way that is not reflective of
who we really are. |